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There are so many ways to instantly communicate with anyone right at your fingertips. But despite this age of heightened connectivity, an increasing number of couples come to me citing device usage and social media as an issue in their relationship. Excessive device usage acts as a barrier to … View moreThere are so many ways to instantly communicate with anyone right at your fingertips. But despite this age of heightened connectivity, an increasing number of couples come to me citing device usage and social media as an issue in their relationship. Excessive device usage acts as a barrier to quality communication, which leaves partners feeling ignored or unimportant.
Many of us have experienced sharing a significant story with someone and they grab their cell phone halfway through the conversation. Attempting to share the highlights of your day with your partner but they have their nose buried in their Facebook feed? Trying to relay a story about your son but your partner is flipping through Instagram?
Well, the message seems clear – their phone is more important than you are at this moment. Over time, this can be very problematic, leading to feelings of rejection and separateness. You may even start to believe, “Why bother?”
Recent research indicates how cell phones are affecting our relationships. In a study titled “My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone,” Meredith Davis and James Roberts suggest that the overuse of cell phones can lead to greater dissatisfaction within our most important relationships. According to their study, which included 145 adults, excessive device usage decreased marital satisfaction.
An additional study by Chinese scientists assessed 243 married adults with similar outcomes. This study posits that excessive phone usage not only decreases your marital satisfaction, but it also contributes to a greater likelihood of depression. And even more concerning is that 86% of American adults constantly check their devices for social media updates, email, and text messages.
The implications are clear; our most important relationships can be dulled and diminished in favor of screen time. But you and your partner can work together to overcome excessive device usage and reconnect with face-to-face time together.
The Importance of Bids
Drs. John and Julie Gottman assert the importance of “bids” in healthy relationships. A bid is an attempt at seeking attention, affirmation, and/or affection to positively connect with your partner.
For example, at a meal together you might say, “I can’t decide between the fish and the steak” to your companion. Although the content of the statement isn’t incredibly important here, it’s a simple attempt to connect with your partner at that moment. Your partner could keep perusing their menu and ignore you, or they could accept your bid for connection and say something like, “They both sound good, but didn’t you just have steak the other night when you tried that new restaurant down the street?”
If your partner responds positively in that very small interaction, they are being mindful that you want to connect with them and are “turning toward” you. Dr. Gottman’s research suggests that successful couples turn toward each other about 86% of the time, and accepting your partner’s bids requires paying attention, which is something you can’t do if you’re using your phone.
Too much screen time may also prompt trust issues. Is your partner communicating with someone else? Are they messaging with an ex through Facebook? Social media may blur the lines of what is acceptable behavior and it could potentially lead to an emotional affair, so make sure to have a conversation with your partner about what is off limits and why.
A good rule of thumb: use real-world boundaries as a guide. If you wouldn’t have that conversation with a Facebook friend in real life with your partner by your side, it’s probably best not to do it online, either.
Spending Device-Free Time Together
You should make it a priority to spend quality time with your partner without your cell phone. But before you make any rules, you should examine your own phone habits first and discuss the issue with your partner calmly and respectfully.
James Roberts, in addition to his co-authored study above, also wrote “Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?” He explains that “if you need to improve as well, approach your partner that this is something you need to tackle together. If you point the finger at your partner without taking responsibility for your own behavior, it won’t go over well.” Like Dr. John Gottman suggests, it is always best to express how you feel and what you need by using a soft start-up.
Once you and your partner have that discussion, try taking 30 minutes together, face-to-face, as a trial run without phones. Notice how different your interaction and conversation feels when you can see each other’s facial expressions and make eye contact, which will give you an indication of how much more connected the two of you may be when spending time device-free. Express how you feel after those 30 minutes, and try to build that routine into your daily life with your partner.
Outside of 30 minutes of daily device-free time, silencing your phone during dinner, or even leaving it in another room, is a good habit to get into so you can focus on the meal and on your partner and/or family. You can make an agreement with your partner on when and where smartphones will be allowed or not, and there are apps that you can use to monitor how much time you’re spending on the phone, especially if you’d like to cut back on device usage overall.
Despite these suggestions, some of my clients will say, “But I have to be plugged in for work.” The importance of staying connected to your job is understandable, especially that more and more employers expect their employees to be accessible outside of work, but you can set boundaries for work-related phone use, too. You could try using a “do not disturb” feature on your phone to silence alerts and phone calls, but you can also allow certain contacts (like your boss) to get through in case there’s an urgent issue that needs your attention.
Whether you use your phone for work or leisure, it’s important to make an effort to spend more time face-to-face with your partner. All it takes is to be present, look your partner in the eyes, and have a real conversation. Once you feel more connected to them, you’ll know that it’s worth the effort.
We’ve been listening and we want to hear about your experience on our new bus network. We’re going to have some Metlink Live evenings on our Facebook page, where we get our team into a room and answer your questions and hear your experiences.
Kilbirnie, you are up first on Tuesday 28 … View moreWe’ve been listening and we want to hear about your experience on our new bus network. We’re going to have some Metlink Live evenings on our Facebook page, where we get our team into a room and answer your questions and hear your experiences.
Kilbirnie, you are up first on Tuesday 28 August at 7:30-8pm, and Karori you will be next on Monday 3 September at 7:30-8pm.
Visit our website metlink.org.nz/metlinklive to learn more about these sessions!
The Hutt Valley-Wellington Whaitua Committee will work towards a vision to improve quality of water in our rivers, streams and in the Wellington Harbour. Be part of the vision to make that change.
For more information and online application form, visit:
www.gw.govt.nz...
If you have … View moreThe Hutt Valley-Wellington Whaitua Committee will work towards a vision to improve quality of water in our rivers, streams and in the Wellington Harbour. Be part of the vision to make that change.
For more information and online application form, visit:
www.gw.govt.nz...
If you have questions, email us at whaitua@gw.govt.nz
Hi Neighbours,
Can you taste a difference between budget and premium milk? There are few things that divide the public as much as the budget versus branded milk debate.
In Stuff's new 'Milking It' investigation, we look at the difference between branded milks, the … View moreHi Neighbours,
Can you taste a difference between budget and premium milk? There are few things that divide the public as much as the budget versus branded milk debate.
In Stuff's new 'Milking It' investigation, we look at the difference between branded milks, the current milk prices in New Zealand, as well as the comeback of glass milk bottles.
So, what are your thoughts on our country's milk? Take part in our poll, and feel free to share your thoughts in the replies!
For a limited time, when you purchase an Entertainment Membership from us, you’ll receive a BONUS $10 Countdown Gift Card! What a win!
PLUS, if you're looking for the perfect gift for Dad this Father's Day, FREE DELIVERY is still available, but only for a limited time!
Your BONUS $10… View moreFor a limited time, when you purchase an Entertainment Membership from us, you’ll receive a BONUS $10 Countdown Gift Card! What a win!
PLUS, if you're looking for the perfect gift for Dad this Father's Day, FREE DELIVERY is still available, but only for a limited time!
Your BONUS $10 Countdown Gift Card will be delivered to the address you have provided. Please allow 7 business days to process. Offer is only valid while stocks last on Entertainment books purchased before the end of August.
www.entertainmentbook.co.nz...
Win 1 of 10 Stuff Pix vouchers to watch Avengers: Infinity War, simply by liking this post! Watch a dizzying array of Marvel cinematic universe heroes in the fight against their gravest threat yet, the result is thrilling.
You can rent Avengers: Infinity War on Stuff Pix today
Just because it's cold outside, doesn't mean you have to stay blue! Your local Resene store is offering TWO Resene Cardholder offers for a limited time only.
1) Buy one Resene 60-80ml testpot, get one FREE.
2) And, get 25% off the normal price of Resene premium paints, sealers, … View moreJust because it's cold outside, doesn't mean you have to stay blue! Your local Resene store is offering TWO Resene Cardholder offers for a limited time only.
1) Buy one Resene 60-80ml testpot, get one FREE.
2) And, get 25% off the normal price of Resene premium paints, sealers, primers and wood stains 10L.
If you don’t have a Resene DIY card, sign up for your free card at your local Resene ColorShop or on the right here.
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These paint offers are available until 10 September 2018. www.resene.co.nz/promo Find out more.
You still have time to have your say on how you elect your councillors and how you’re represented at ward and community level.
Submissions on Council’s draft proposal on representation close on 3 September, 2018.
For more information, go to the link below.
This ground-breaking screening programme has been running for 10 months in the Hutt Valley. If you have been part of it, or had an early cancer detected we'd love to hear from you. Call our reporter Thomas Manch on 027 406 3671
Exciting news! Our gorgeous bee-friendly September 2017 issue is up for Best Cover in the Magshop People's Choice Award 2018. We need your votes to come out on top! Click through the link to vote for us, and put yourself in the draw to win a De’longhi PrimaDonna coffee machine valued at … View moreExciting news! Our gorgeous bee-friendly September 2017 issue is up for Best Cover in the Magshop People's Choice Award 2018. We need your votes to come out on top! Click through the link to vote for us, and put yourself in the draw to win a De’longhi PrimaDonna coffee machine valued at $2,499.99, and two De’longhi Distinta Flair Breakfast packages valued at $419.98.
Got any great ways we can all help the environment? Any green tips, tricks or habits that others might not know about? Check out our page to see all the amazing entries we have received so far! Share your own and you could win one of 10 Countdown gift cards, worth $100 each! It’s all part of our … View moreGot any great ways we can all help the environment? Any green tips, tricks or habits that others might not know about? Check out our page to see all the amazing entries we have received so far! Share your own and you could win one of 10 Countdown gift cards, worth $100 each! It’s all part of our commitment to helping our environment thrive.
Hi neighbours, landlords, property managers, advocacy groups and tenants. With 18 years of experience in the New Zealand property industry, few are better placed than PQS to offer market leading advice, providing transparent outcomes for both renters and landlords.
Safe and Healthy Homes
… View moreHi neighbours, landlords, property managers, advocacy groups and tenants. With 18 years of experience in the New Zealand property industry, few are better placed than PQS to offer market leading advice, providing transparent outcomes for both renters and landlords.
Safe and Healthy Homes
Call PQS to check if your rental property is healthy, safe and secure and meets all current and upcoming legislative requirements.
Property Condition Assessments
Talk to PQS about a tailor-made software solution that has the flexibility to adapt to the constantly changing nature of property assessments, solving business problems with the smarter use of technology.
If you're a landlord, property manager, advocacy group or tenant - call us for help with all of your property needs. Let us find the right solution for you.
Phone PQS now on 09 271 6026 or visit the PQS website.
Did you know that the number one thing couples fight about is nothing?
Gottman observed thousands of couples in his Love Lab for more than four decades, we discovered that most couples were not arguing about specific topics like finances, sex, parenting, or dealing with difficult in-laws.
… View moreDid you know that the number one thing couples fight about is nothing?
Gottman observed thousands of couples in his Love Lab for more than four decades, we discovered that most couples were not arguing about specific topics like finances, sex, parenting, or dealing with difficult in-laws.
Instead, they were fighting about a failure to emotionally connect, and likely didn’t even know it.
We realized how, instead of having productive conflict discussions about tangible issues, couples were really arguing about how one partner may not pay much attention to the other’s needs, or may not express much interest in things that their partner cares about.
While the science behind what drives couples to lose their emotional connection can be quite complex, we use a simple concept that can help couples reconnect: The Emotional Bank Account
Turning toward instead of away
Imagine that you and your partner are watching a TV show together after dinner, and your partner discovers some bad news about one of their friends. You can do one of two things: turn towards or turn away.
Turning towards can be as simple as acknowledging what your partner has said to you. You could say something like, “Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry to hear that.” That kind of response will let your partner know that you listened and care about what they have to say, which will help build up positivity in your relationship.
Or you could say nothing and continue to watch TV. That would be turning away from your partner, and it won’t make your partner feel heard or understood.
Think of it this way: how would you feel if you expressed something that you care about to your partner, and they didn’t respond at all? You probably wouldn’t feel very good. But if your partner gave an indication that they are listening to you and that they care about what you have to say, you will likely feel connected to your partner.
It’s important to remember that most acts of turning toward are small, everyday gestures of appreciation, understanding, affection, and kindness. Even if your partner says something like, “Hey, look at the rainbow outside,” and you respond with something very simple like, “Oh, nice!” that is an act of turning toward.
The Emotional Bank Account
Essentially, when you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection, you are making a deposit in your Emotional Bank Account. And when you turn away from your partner, you make a withdrawal. Just like a real bank account, a zero balance is trouble, and a negative balance is the real danger zone.
An Emotional Bank Account grows when partners make more deposits than withdrawals. In a six-year follow-up study of newlywed couples, couples who remained married turned toward their partner’s bids for emotional connection 86% of the time in the lab, while those who divorced averaged 33%. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they manage their Emotional Bank Account.
When the Emotional Bank Account is in the red, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected, or even lonely.
But when the Emotional Bank Account is in the green, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during a conflict. They keep their relationship in the positive perspective.
So how do you measure the balance of your Emotional Bank Account?
The 5:1 ratio
Again, we have another concept that’s easy to remember: the magic relationship ratio of 5:1.
Five-to-one of what? Well, an act of turning towards, no matter how small or subtle, is a positive interaction. An act of turning away is a negative interaction. There are three key takeaways to help you manage your Emotional Bank Account:
To be satisfied in a relationship, couples must focus on increasing deposits (positive interactions) and minimize withdrawals (negative interactions)
During conflict: 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction
During everyday life: 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction
Why the difference? Because when couples are in the heat of conflict, they are already in a negative state of mind, so the added negativity is to be expected. This 5:1 ratio does suggest that you still need to say and do five positive things for every negative thing, even during an argument.
That sounds challenging, right? Well, try reframing your approach to conflict: you don’t necessarily have to be agreeable or overly accommodating. But you should turn towards your partner, listen to them, ask them to tell you more, validate their perspective, and express empathy.
If you can do those five things during a conflict discussion, even if you disagree with your partner and find this issue to be recurring or unsolvable (which most problems in a relationship are due to personality differences), that’s five positive interactions!
On the other hand, when you’re going through your day and you’re suddenly interrupted by a negative interaction with your partner, it has a much bigger impact on your Emotional Bank Account. Positive interactions are small, consistent deposits, but negative interactions are big withdrawals, and too many of them can erase a positive balance.
And remember that grand gestures aren’t the goal here. An emotionally wealthy marriage is not cultivated during a two-week vacation to Hawaii. Instead, it’s built on a daily routine of positive habits and interactions. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.
Invest in your Emotional Bank Account
While these two concepts may be easy to understand, they require intentionality and awareness in order to effectively implement them. To help, here are five science-based methods to keep your Emotional Bank Account in the green for good:
Be mindful
Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice. So, you’ll need to pay attention. Be mindful of your partner’s bids for connection and turn towards them. This will make them feel heard and valued. You may not catch all of them, but the more you focus on those positive bids, the easier it will become to recognize them and turn toward them.
Express appreciation daily
Every day, think of all the ways your partner has turned towards you or made emotional bids. Those can be as simple as texting you at work to say that they hope the big meeting went well, or that they spent five minutes asking you about your day while you washed the dishes together. The goal is to remember those positive deposits and then to express appreciation for them. If you can imbue your relationship with a positive perspective on things, it becomes second nature to be grateful for your partner’s support and to tell them so.
Talk about stress
One study discovered that the spillover of external stress into a relationship was the single biggest reason why couples relapsed two years after marital therapy. That’s why the Stress Reducing Conversation is probably the most important conversation a couple can have. Take 20-30 minutes of undivided attention with each other, and do not discuss your marriage. Remember that all emotions are welcome during this conversation, and the end goal is to express understanding and validation of your partner’s feelings and perspective.
Communicate understanding
When your partner makes a complaint, don’t try to solve the problem. Instead, express that you can understand why they’re frustrated. You can even go a bit further and take responsibility if you did something to upset them. And if they’re happy about something, share in their excitement. We feel loved when we feel heard and understood, and the more you do that, you’ll build up a reciprocal emotional connection between you both.
Be physically affectionate
Kissing, holding hands, hugging, and cuddling is all opportunities to make deposits into your Emotional Bank Account. The Normal Bar study of more than 70,000 people in 24 countries found that couples who have a great sex life kiss one another passionately for no reason whatsoever, they cuddle, and they are mindful about turning toward.
If you don’t have a rich Emotional Bank Account, start small by noticing your partner’s bids. Turn towards them, again and again, as much as possible. Bid by bid, your interactions will positively sculpt your relationship until your Emotional Bank Account represents the wealth of love and respect you have for each other.
You can’t put a price on that.
Wellington, we know it needs to work much better. Getting it right is as important to us as it is to you.
You’ve told us what really matters. Now it’s important you know that we share your concerns and here’s what we’re doing to make it better.
Follow our progress at … View moreWellington, we know it needs to work much better. Getting it right is as important to us as it is to you.
You’ve told us what really matters. Now it’s important you know that we share your concerns and here’s what we’re doing to make it better.
Follow our progress at www.metlink.org.nz...
Have you paid a donation to a school in the last 5 years?
Did you know you can claim one third of this back? We've helped thousands of parents just like you get back their school donation rebate, easily, quickly and online. We can get lost receipts for you too!
To date … View moreHave you paid a donation to a school in the last 5 years?
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To date we've refunded over $700,000 to Kiwi parents and know that there are millions still to go.
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