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We’d like to take a look at the core of new relationships: the deep bond a couple builds through intimate interaction, in particular through their daily conversations. In this post, I will explain how to apply Dr Gottman’s skills for sharing compassion and empathy with your partner.
Note: … View moreWe’d like to take a look at the core of new relationships: the deep bond a couple builds through intimate interaction, in particular through their daily conversations. In this post, I will explain how to apply Dr Gottman’s skills for sharing compassion and empathy with your partner.
Note: While the ideas I share are theoretically pretty straightforward, they can be difficult to put into practice. If you find implementing them to be a challenge, don’t get discouraged! Remember Dr Gottman’s advice: No opinions or problem solving until you’ve gone through the four steps of attunement.
Also, remember that immediate advice may come off as glib and insulting to your partner. They may think to themselves, “Does this person think I’m so dumb I can’t come up with my own solution?” This probably rings a few bells – bells of annoyance and maybe even indignation.
Below, you’ll find an illustration of two possible conversations between Cheyenne and Will, a young couple walking home from a dinner with their mutual friend, Abby.
The first example is a failed attempt at expressing compassion and empathy in a bid for intimate conversation:
Cheyenne: I couldn’t believe how Abby reacted when I brought up what happened at the party. What a crude attempt at changing the subject! Who does she think she is? Just shutting me down like that…
Will: You know Abby just doesn’t like crowds. Next time, you shouldn’t bring it up, it makes everything so awkward.
Cheyenne: You’re such a pushover, why can’t you stand up for me? You thought she was acting weird the other night, I don’t see why I can’t talk to her about it.
Will: Come on, we’ve been through this before. Let’s go get some coffee or something. On the way, I can show you that art gallery I thought you’d like.
Cheyenne: No, whatever. It’s fine, let’s just go home.
In this scenario, Will reacts without considering Cheyenne’s need for support from him when she is upset. He immediately rushes to offer an explanation, even defending the person his girlfriend feels attacked by. He refuses to engage with her on an emotional level and attempts to distract her instead. She is left feeling disappointed and even more frustrated than before. She expected his empathy, and instead received advice she didn’t ask for any criticism she certainly didn’t expect to hear. Here is a way that Will could apply Dr Gottman’s skills for an intimate conversation to the same scenario, increasing his and Cheyenne’s attunement and trust in each other:
Cheyenne: I couldn’t believe how Abby reacted when I brought up what happened at the party. What a crude attempt at changing the subject! Who does she think she is? Just shutting me down like that…
Will: I’m sorry, I understand how that would make you upset. I know you wanted to help, but she never wants to go there.
Cheyenne: I like Abby… It’s just so frustrating that I have to walk on eggshells around her. It’s exhausting.
Will: That makes sense. I hate it when I have to censor myself in social situations. I just want to relax, too.
Cheyenne: Yeah. You know what? Let’s go see that gallery you’ve been talking about, the one you said I’d like…
Try these techniques in your own relationship, and the results may surprise you! By engaging in supportive, intimate conversations with your partner, you can build trust – the most important ingredient in a healthy, happy relationship – and be closer than ever!
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Hi all,
We have a room available to rent at our home in Stokes Valley. Weekly rent will be $200 per week. This includes power,gas,wifi & your own bathroom with shower and separate bath.
Must like animals,be clean & have a job.
Anyone interested or if you have any questions please … View moreHi all,
We have a room available to rent at our home in Stokes Valley. Weekly rent will be $200 per week. This includes power,gas,wifi & your own bathroom with shower and separate bath.
Must like animals,be clean & have a job.
Anyone interested or if you have any questions please contact me via email ajgensburger@gmail.com
It's amazing the sorts of things we find blocking wastewater pumps.
A pager? A walkie talkie? What do you think it is?
One thing we do know is it should not be flushed down the loo! These types of items cause blockages in the wastewater network. They can also cause blockages and damage … View moreIt's amazing the sorts of things we find blocking wastewater pumps.
A pager? A walkie talkie? What do you think it is?
One thing we do know is it should not be flushed down the loo! These types of items cause blockages in the wastewater network. They can also cause blockages and damage to the pipes within your property boundary, which can cost you a lot in plumber bills to fix!
The only things that should be flushed down the toilet are the 3 P's:
-Pee
-Poo
-Paper (toilet paper that is)
Wet wipes (even 'flushable' ones), sanitary items, shampoo and conditioner bottles, diapers etc should be thrown in the rubbish bin, and phones/pagers should be taken out of back pockets before heading into the dunny.
The legacy of people taken into state care who suffered neglect and abuse is a stain on our country’s history. Over the next three years, the Royal Commission will listen to stories about the experiences of people in state care and examine ways to stop any further abuse.
Before that process … View moreThe legacy of people taken into state care who suffered neglect and abuse is a stain on our country’s history. Over the next three years, the Royal Commission will listen to stories about the experiences of people in state care and examine ways to stop any further abuse.
Before that process can begin, the Terms of Reference to define the scope and purpose of the Inquiry need to be set. Sir Anand would like to hear your views on the draft Terms of Reference so we can work together to make sure we don’t repeat the mistakes of the past.
Got an opinion on how Council represents you?
Have your say on issues like whether to keep, change or discard the current ward system, how many councillors should represent the city and whether community boards and panels should be retained. The survey closes on 16 April.
If you’re over 18 … View moreGot an opinion on how Council represents you?
Have your say on issues like whether to keep, change or discard the current ward system, how many councillors should represent the city and whether community boards and panels should be retained. The survey closes on 16 April.
If you’re over 18 years of age, you can fill out the survey via the link below.
A search and rescue mission is under way for a beagle called Benny from Lower Hutt. Have you seen him? A helicopter with specialist thermal gear has scoured bush and about 50 volunteers have helped search. Can you help dog owners Matt and Grace Newman-Hall? To read more, click here.
The Government is set to end offshore oil and gas exploration in New Zealand. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern says "transitions have to start somewhere". Do you support the decision? Take part in our poll or leave a reply. To read more click here.
Have you heard about the proposed closure of two health camps in Otaki and Otago's Roxburgh? The organisation behind the camps says hundreds of at-risk children will miss out on essential treatment every year if it goes ahead. What are your thoughts on the closures? To read more click here.
I am asked on behalf of a good friend has anyone in the area been to see Hayley Lowe a Energy healer in Lower Hutt did it help you and is it worth the time money and effort??? I would appreciate feedback please
Thank you
Hi Everyone,
We have cleaners available for all suburbs ready and available 7 days a week. Whether you need a shower scrubbed, a full move out clean, windows or carpet cleaning we have the cleaners available now.
Call Mickey 0210551077 and get a price and book your clean in minutes.
I have a large number of Kowhai Seedlings just over a year old ready for planting out this winter. I would like to offer these to any school who can use for good purpose.
Hello does anyone have a lazyboy chair. Needing one that is wider than 54cm where you sit please.
The Hutt Valley Sports Awards nominations close April 13, so if you know a deserving sportsman or sportswoman, volunteer, coach, team or just someone who's given their all to sports, head to the link below to nominate them for an award - best of luck!
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